Devon &Epic Win.

I knew it. I knew it, knew it, knew it.

Yeah, well, don’t come near me

I’ve got friends in lower places

Struggling upwards

Taking in the view

Tearing up my eyes

With you in them

Don’t fuck with me

I knew it, I did.

Something worries me about this scene. I may be much less clear than I need be. But it’s my style. I want so much for you to know. But I never want to have to tell you in clear terms. I want you to try. I want to know it was worth your time.

I’ve never gone uncertain in this way.

It’s very strange, and it makes me wonder if there’s something I need to be doing.

But I guess you are the one who should be telling me that.

I’m feeling strange. Different. I’ve yet to see if that’s a good thing or not. I’m looking at people I’ve known for a long, long time in a new way. I feel disconnected and very out of place. I’m feeling like there’s little point in keeping up when all I need is to lag behind. What’s the point of all these options if I don’t plan on using them? What’s the point of all these fears if I don’t plans to conquer them? What’s the point of feeling lost when I really only want to be found again?

I guess I’ve just lost the meaning in so much lately.

This has absolutely nothing to do with me, but: tomorrow’s the 96th anniversary of the assassination of Archduke Francis Ferdinand and the start of World War One. I know the date by heart. How sad. Haha.

SO ANYWAY. I’m leaving to go out to Vegas in two days. I’m just cleaning, packing, and messing around right now. I’m having a weird night, though. I feel like talking to people I don’t usually have much of any conversations with. But I don’t know. I’ll figure out what it is.

I should be packing. But a lot of my clothes are in the wash, so I can’t decide on what to take if I can’t look at what I have…

Anybody feel the need to get the fuck out? We could run and run and never get where we’re going, and still be better off there than here…

I’ve found my own weakness, and I know how it works. Now I need the boards and the nails, the barricade to keep you all out. I’ve romanticized my life into these very obvious words, and I know what it takes to throw them back at me. I’ve always been a bit ahead and a ton behind you, and all I want to do is run. I no longer want to wonder what happens. I want to know.

I’ve never thought of myself as very many things. But you did. I never thought of my life in terms of another. But you did. All I want is to be epic. And I think you know that.

You used to be so close, and yet so goddamn far. I wonder now what the hell I thought I was doing. You wouldn’t have once cared anyway. But I guess that’s why I have this longing for something new, so constant that it’s hardly shiny to me..

whatever happened to you, darling, when I waited for you to feel right? and now it feels all wrong, I tried too many times to forget you, tried too many times to remember the dreams and not you. oh, no, not you. I don’t wanna remember your name, I wanna get on with it! I wanna a new time, my darling I’ll get the hell out of here. I’ll get out of here, I’ll get out and I hope you’ll wish you were me. I know you’ll wish you were me. so kill me, clean it up and clear it out. I know you’ve already done that. but when I come home, you’ll wish you hadn’t. when I come home, you’re not going anywhere.

my heart aches, but it’s not a bad thing

my thoughts have scattered, but it just leaves room for new ones

I don’t know why

but I feel

for the first time

in a very long time

I feel.

Random update time!? Gasp, no way, this isn’t a rant or vague-ass poetry!?

Nope!

What’s going on in my life right now? I’m reading The Jungle by Upton Sinclair and Sex, Drugs and Cocoa Puffs by Chuck Klosterman. I’ve been listening to a lot of Fall Out Boy and this band I just found called Fun. Fun really rules, they have a very Queen-like thing going on, and I love it. I just got Sims 3: World Adventures, but I can’t play it yet because Matt hasn’t set up the big computer yet. Tomorrow’s the last day of school before Thanksgiving Break, which will be great. x]

At this very exact moment I am listening to douche rock. (Three Days Grace? Hellz to the yeah.) Tomorrow I plan to write some bass parts to my own original songs, and I did a little of that today, too. I think I’ll read some magazines and draw a bit, too. I should be going to sleep right now, but I don’t really want to. I’m pretty much awake.

Oh, 2005, you really make my heart ache. Must I begin again if i wanted a better experience, or can I mend it before it’s too late? Nostalgia got me thus far, can I bear to see it go? Can my time in the future from the present really be worth how much older you’ve made me feel?
Oh, 2006, you really make me angry. Must I correct you to help my own path develop into the future? Anger fueled me down this road, could I keep my soul from it anymore? Could the blood I taste be another injury from the past, here to terrorize my logic?
Oh, 2007, you really make me guilty. Must I forever know you’re right behind me, ready to throw my scales off balance? Obsession overtook me until now, and how did I ever lose that capability? Am I truly moving on, or merely biding my time until the next relapse?
Oh, 2008, you really complicate me. If I knew the time I’d spend sorting these into tidy piles and filing them away, would I have cared? Numbness spread through me and I knew you couldn’t help me any more. Is faking it really that difficult to detect, to slap me out of it?
Oh, 2009, I know you despise me. But it’s alright, because I hate you too. You flicker my happiness like a dying bulb, and you ruin my lovely apathy. Must you finally bring back everything I wanted before? Now, after I’ve accepted such a loss?

This feels horrifically familiar.

We get caught in every tie we ever double-knotted, never taking the courage to step over them sometimes.

If we were as strong as our minds built us up to be, then how could we not handle such a weak attempt at something new.? A new level of life, far from any other we’ve encountered. A new experience waiting to be lived if only just for the privilege of writing it down for something all your own.